34 Roundhouse Kicks to the Face

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

4. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

5. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

6. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

7. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

8. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

9. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.

10. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.1

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

12. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

13. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

14. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

15. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

16. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

17. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.

19. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

20. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

21. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

22. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

23. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

24. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

25. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

26. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

28. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

29. After a night of drinking Chuck Norris doesn't throw up he throws down!

30. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

31. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

32. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

33. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

34. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.