A Little Perspective

Tonight is opening night for Mr. Bailey's Minder here at Studio 3. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I've been feeling a little disconnected lately. I've been trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, and I've come to the conclusion that it's a little bit of both.


This show has been tough. It's a big one for us-- large cast, lots of props, lots of costumes, complicated scene changes. Add in some difficult personalities and the normal stresses of tech, and it all starts to ball together into one big mess. It can be overwhelming. But like I've mentioned before, this time I feel like I'm floating above it all, strangely neutral.


It's been nice, actually. I like not letting insecure actors, fretful designers and stressed out technicians effect me. Since the Stage Manager Neutrality has become such a part of who I am, I had been absorbing all the negativity and either spewing it out at home (sorry Deb!) or simply internalizing it, questioning myself everytime someone freaked out. Never was a temper tantrum an actor or technician's own fault, it was always something I did or failed to do. I'm beginning to see just how flawed this logic is. Not only is that often simply not true, it's also incredibly self destructive. Other people's moods should not affect me in such a deeply personal way. And this time, they didn't! It was pretty great, actually.


Of course I don't mean to infer that this process was all bad. It has just been a big show, with all of the stresses that a big show entails. It's going to be such a great show, though. Definitely worth seeing-- a beautiful production.


In my personal life, well, this neutrality is a different story. It's important to stay engaged with the people that I love. Perhaps little mini-mental vacations are all right-- everyone needs their alone time. But I think it's vital for my health and the health of my relationships that I keep engaged and involved.


So for my opening night gift to myself, I bought a beautiful new journal. I'll use it to focus my turmoil, to remain active and aware of my feelings. And to help me keep this blessed neutrality when it comes to work.


Maybe I'm finally finding a bit of balance... but this period of withdrawal has certainly given me a great perspective.


Happy opening-- 3 down, 2 more to go!!!