Too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run...

So... life has given Deb & I a swift kick in the ass these past few months-- there have been more twists, turns, triumphs and failures than I can even think about, much less detail here.

But I do see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel-- at the end of this month we will be officially out of our 2 Street apartment and looking forward to really starting our new life on Christian Street. Right now all things legal, financial and personal are swirling around us like some sort of ugly black tornado, but we are hanging on, if only by our fingernails.

Perhaps these days it's something of a cliche, but I am learning just how much hard times really teach you about yourself and those going through them with you. Deb and I are being forced to deal with so much shit-- honestly, the sheer volume of it is what's really overwhelming. But we are definitely learning. We are learning to break things down into manageable sections. We are learning to take time out in the middle of everything for ourselves-- not for our friends, not for the other partner, but for the individual. In the middle of this absolutely crazy time I've taken up reading for pleasure again, something I haven't done in a long time. So far this month I've read Norah Vincent's Self Made Man (amazing, shocking-- I highly recommend), Dan Savage's The Commitment (hilarious and beautiful) and currently I'm reading Paula Deen's It Ain't All About the Cooking. Don't laugh about that last one. I had my doubts-- Paula is pretty funny on TV, but I'm generally not a fan of the celebrity memoir. But the lovely Amanda McKenna lent the book to me with a high recommendation and I trust that woman's taste implicitly. And I'm enjoying it thoroughly. Paula is one amazing woman-- going from an agoraphobic housewife to a mega-super star. Fascinating stuff, plus some delicious Southern-fried recipes to boot.

Anyway. Deb and I are also learning to treat each other very gently and respectfully. Times like this are very wearing on a relationship, so I suppose it's only natural that our little spats increase in both frequency and volume. We've discovered that although this is only natural, it's quite destructive. There's nothing worse than having a rough day outside your house and then coming home to have a little fight that blows up into something bigger because you're both so exhausted and drained. And then of course this fight exhausts and drains you further. It's a viscious circle, and we are determined to break it. We have to be each other's champions. We are both human beings, with good days and bad days, and the best part of being in a relationship is having someone there to hold you up when you feel like falling down.

Slowly but surely we are fighting our way out of this nastiness, and we couldn't do it alone. We have each other to love and support and be strong with, but we also have a wonderful circle of friends who know just how to cheer us up when we're at our lowest.

So thank you. Thank you especially to Melanie for sitting with me during a party when I was too tired to stand and talking to me about her life and my life and just being there with me. Thank you to Arizona for making me laugh at that same party. Thank you to Dalice for holding that bottle of wine for me-- we're going to get to it some day, I promise! Thank you to Caitlin for making me remember why old friends are just the best. Thank you to Amanda for sitting with me at Royal Tavern and letting me pour my heart out. You are the best listener ever, Amanda. Thank you to Melissa for offering to help. Thank you to Alison for texting me and trying to get together to talk-- this week, I promise! Thank you to Gina for offering margaritas whenever I'm feeling bad. (How do you know that's a perfect cure??!) Thank you to Weas for always letting me know I'm never far from her thoughts. (I miss you!) Thank you to Mom and Dad for supporting me in everything I do, both emotionally and financially. I literally could not do this without you. Thank you to all of my girls (and boys!) over at AJ-- you are so supportive and never seem to care when I neglect you for a little while.

There are so many people I'm leaving out-- please forgive me if you're one of them. I'm so tired I can barely think right now, but please know that I love and appreciate you very much.

And it's with your help that we are getting through this, step by step. I never knew it would be this hard, but I also never knew how many people in my life loved and supported me. What a blessing to discover this.

And just so no one thinks the title of this blog is too morose, I've taken it from a Jeff Buckley song that is suddenly playing on repeat in my head these days:



The photograph at the top is Sally Weiner's-- check out the rest of her great stuff here.